Bakla: 11 Ways to Know If Someone is Gay (in Manila)

… just because 11 is better than 10.

It’s so funny here in Manila. There are a lot of bekies who claim to be manly. If so, I’m Bond, James Bond. Nevertheless, there are still some who can definitely bring it and it’s so exciting to gaydar them. We do it all the time and so should you.

I may not be an expert in the science of gaydar but I’ve seen and been through all the levels of gayness from Ricky Reyes to Ricky Martin. One thing is for sure. The closet may be Narnia-deep, but I can still see the feather boa hidden in a pile of F&H H&M V-neck shirts in pastel.

To know if someone’s gay is crucial in times when gay guys look straight and straight guys look gay, and below are the symptoms of the typical Manila gay guy:

1. Get his cellphone and look for any of these apps usually hidden in the utilities folder: Grindr, Hornet, Jack’d, Scruff, GROWLr, and/or PlanetRomeo. If he has even just one of these, for sure he likes Jake Cuenca too regardless if he brushes his teeth… or not!

grindr

From mIRC to this!

2. If he goes to Distillery, Fort on weekends. Find out if he stays in the first or second floor. First floor is always a beki place during the weekends. Trust me. I’ve been a stockholder at that place since 2009 and I’ve seen it transform from straight to confused in just two rounds of JD Coke. Likewise, the bekies love their drinks except for beers. Maybe this one will change their mind though:

becks

Becks. Ang beer ng mga beckies.

distillery

I’ve been a stockholder at that place since 2009 and I’ve seen it transform from straight to confused.

3. Find out whom he’ll make out with if he gets stranded with Christine Reyes and Anne Curtis in a virgin island somewhere in Palawan. If he wants to momol with Anne, then give him a parade in Malate. If he wants to momox with Christine, then give him some bed loving, Eva Fonda-style.

anne

The gays love Anne because they want to be a Dyosaaah too!

4. Check his playlist. Do you see Kylie, Madonna, Christina, Gaga, Brit, or any of the Spice? Regine, Kuh, Jaya, Lani, or any local divas in his ‘songs when driving alone’ playlist? If so, his favorite songs are most definitely not of Korn’s but of Gloc 9, most specifically this one.

5. The 5-second eye contact rule is a dead giveaway. Spot a cute guy that will walk across you both when having dinner in BGC. If he stares for a good five seconds, it is time to break up via text message. If both of them stare at each other, then it’s time for you to be a wing girl… and now you’re officially a fag hag… or a fruit fly to be more PC!

6. If he hoards Bench underwear in different styles the way you hoard Speculoos, then he’s a jeje beki and you’re a pig for buying too much of that over rated cookie butter and posting it in IG. I swear! One more post of that Speculoos and I’m going to have a bitch fit, Mr. Hotel Manager. #NutellaForever #ChocolateMan

benchunderwear

Bench: Abercrombie for the jeje beki

7. Test a few scents on him, or better yet smell check his signature cologne or worse… preferred parfum. The gays secretly prefer cucumber watermelon or any slightly fruity to citrusy scents over Old Spice or HUGO BOSS. Walang kamatayang HUGO BOSS! Utang na loob! Diversify! Try Jo Malone or this one.

8. If he applies BB-CC-DD Creams and not a generic SPF moisturizer then he needs to be set free. Straight guys don’t even know what SPF is. Likewise, if his beauty skincare regimen goes beyond cleanse- tone- medicate- moisturize, then it is time for you to introduce him to the wonders of serums.

9. If he works out, there’s probably a good chance that he’s gay. If he spends way too much time in the steam or sauna than lifting weights, then he’s either testing a DIY deep conditioning hair treatment he learned on YouTube… or he’s just probably cruising it with somebody that he used to know way back in high school. #MyHusbandsLover

10.  Ask your BGF (Best Gay Friend) to check him out on Facebook. If majority of their mutual friends are bekimons then he is most definitely a beki monster. Manila is small. Everybody knows anyone, and the beki community is like a block party more than a party list.

MutualFriends

Manila is not even a pool. It’s a puddle.

11. Back when Embassy was the shiznit, I’ve come across gays wearing the Mindanao scarf. A few seasons ago, gays supported the V-neck Shirt Movement and the Cardigan Philosophy soon followed after. Cut to now, gays seem to be members of the Association of Colored Pants and Bermuda Shorts with Belt Breakfast Club. Ever changing, always obvious.

Bermuda since it’s a dead giveaway to be wearing PP shorts.

Have fun gaydaring and don’t cry just because they play for the other team.

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24 Responses to Bakla: 11 Ways to Know If Someone is Gay (in Manila)

  1. Bea says:

    ahem.. I would like a trip to distillery the moment I’m back. and yes, we will make new friend. “Hi I’m Bea, meet my friend. HAHAHA” 😛

  2. lester says:

    nice one tawa ako ng tawa haha!

  3. lester says:

    its odd pero gusto ko old spice at hinahanap-hanap ko pa nga ang brut hehe

  4. Toe says:

    It’s unfair to stereotype. I love ACDC and beer but I’m gay.

  5. Pepe says:

    Di ko gets ang anne curtis. A lot of pinoy guys prefer mestizas compared to chinitas or girls with the typical filipina look.

    • Joem Segovia says:

      When guys think of Christine Reyes, they think about Ferry’s Wheel in bed. When they think of Anne Curtis, they think of coffee dates.

  6. reysify2 says:

    stupidity, all men who know about spf are gays,how about in europe and in usa both sexes are applying on it for sunburn and cancer protection,

  7. temo says:

    Well, I’m gay and only number 4 is true for me. -_-

  8. bert says:

    katawa to.hahaha

  9. secret says:

    hmmmmm, type ko si Christine reyes, since her first film…

    i like the way she is on the movie, though i never knew her in person.

    i just love her beauty, i wish i could have her beside me, and enlightening my mood xD

  10. Anonymous says:

    Ahm, this is just an opinion, but it may refer to the topic you’ve discussed. Well, the article published is not that “updated.” I mean, we’re in the 21st century man, there are changes in our community. For the SPF topic, some men nowadays are like more sensitive of their skin. So, they use these to maintain their physical complexion. You can’t really make conclusions from information based on others perspective. What I’m saying is, you can’t judge people by how they live and act. I hope you know the difference between gender orientation and gender expression.

  11. Argo Morales says:

    Iba pa no ang logo ng grindr at pr. haha, but I love this article, really. It’s funny and so true in many aspects of it. Hope you update the blog. 🙂

  12. Curious says:

    What if the man in question is a neat freak? special shampoo and takes extra long putting toner on his face. Tries out ombre dye on his hair. Every week bago ang hairstyle. Super clean yun face, very very tailored look.

    Dati checkered tatay polo shirts and straight cut maong, basic sock colors.Shoes from either Keds or Traffic. Now slim fitting white polo long sleeve, all kinds of bermuda shorts, pastel blazers, unusual shoes in cobalt blue leather, metallic silver Toms.

    All blue linen jacket, super skinny jeans and orange socks, matching blue shade with bag. BUT very violent towards his girlfriend, and has cheated many times with other girls.

    Likes k pop girl bands, loves karaoke, hates gays, doesnt use urinal in the public mens bathroom. Afraid of gays, scared of then looking at him and always knows who is gay in a party.

    Is this person gay? Will call his girlfriend who wants sex a nympho and actually refuses!

    • Joem Segovia says:

      Send me his social media account so we can investigate and judge accordingly. Ang galit sa beks ay kabesh. #Repressed.

  13. Don says:

    A VERY EFFECTIVE WAY is to surprise (gulatin) a guy/him in his unguarded moments by suddenly placing on his hand or throwing in front of him any of these VERY EFFECTIVE GAY-DETECTING TOOLS (real/live or plastic insects or small animal toys such as centipede, scorpion, cockroach, lizard/tuko, rodent/bubuwit and the likes that you can buy along the sidewalks of Guadalupe, Quiapo or Recto/Avenida).

    If he (the guy) suddenly freaks out or does a loud, scared “AAAAYYY!!!!!” screams like the voice of a beki/faggot, then that guy is a true-bloodied gay just disguising or just acting straight or manly! Hehehe… TRY IT! It really works! 😉

  14. Anonymous says:

    Fuck off fuckers.

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