Who cares about the candidate’s platform when we know it’s not going to happen. Fetchy platform is not going to happen! With all this confusion, why not try to vote for a president that best represents a friend or a family member that we know?
Take Binay for example. He is your co-worker who was placed under probation for failing to liquidate the contingency fund for unknown reasons. He awards suppliers and gets to take home a percentage of the budget in return for more projects with padded costs and bigger commissions. Next morning, naka iPhone 6+ na siya, hindi na siya kumakain sa pantry pero hindi pa rin siya marunong mag-english. Mabait naman siya, you get to have a drink or two together and joke about office work and family life. In the end, a dark soul coexists with a glowing person, it works pero one thing is for sure… kubrador siya! Kaya mag-ingat ka!
Miriam naman is your super strict pero very well respected professor in DLSU (Uhm, Accounting?). She also wears South Sea Pearl necklace on Wednesdays. She is an institution in your school, so much so that a hall will be named after her when she retires. You try to avoid her and choose the cool, young, cute, and fresh looking prof instead. Grabe! umuulan ng 0.0 and 1.0 during course card day! Nevertheless, students want to take her subjects for means of higher learning… yun nga lang, it is still inconvenient since you know that there is a better alternative to her teachings, especially now na 2016 na.
Mar is your valedictorian back in LSGH. Grabe sa talino! Yun mukha niya makanto na kakabasa ng Encylopedia Britannica. All his written exams are perfect! Kainis! Ayaw magpakopya! As in he covers the paper with his whole makanto-Britannica face during examinations. He is always the lead for group work pero pagdating ng intrams like basketball, Olats siya! Siya yun matalino, pero lacks the influence and charm to be the highschool cutie. You don’t believe him even if he makes sense because you want to be part of the cool group instead.
Duterte is your late dad sans the womanizing and alleged hidden bank accounts. He has difficulty communicating in Tagalog and usually smells like San Miguel Pale Pilsen. Super strict, old-fashioned and sometimes you question his principles because it’s very inconvenient. Ultimo makikipag-away to everyone just to fight for what is right. Mumurahin yun bus driver just to prove that they are wrong and kukunin yun personal cellphone number ng mga corrupt congressman from his friends’ phone book and texts them na sana mamatay na sila. Dyahe to go with him during distribution of report cards kasi suot niya micro-fishnet blue shirt (Fishnet na nga, butas pa!) and faded jeans. Hindi mo talaga siya ma-gets. It was only when he passed away when you realized it. He doesn’t need to prove anyone that he’s a hotshot since there is no need to. He was right from the very start, kaya lang you missed the opportunity kasi you didn’t give him the chance to be understood.
Poe naman is the pantasya ng bayan in college, most probably Miguel Building. She took her high school in Assumption Sanlo or ICA. Kinis galore! tisay, chinita, crossbreed, smart, mayaman, buena familia, lahat na! Dean’s Lister kahit na party girl ng Ponti, Emba, Mati, Racks et al. Too perfect to the point na ordinary people like you will not be nourished by her afterglow. In order to witness and benefit from her presence, you need to be part of the VVVIP section of Embassy SuperClub- daming door bitches non ha! Good luck!
And then lastly, may Undecided. Si Undecided has all the characteristics of the Binay in your office, the Miriam in your college, Mar in your high school, your late dad’s resemblance of Duterte, and Poe as the chinita mestiza princess of Miguel Building. In short, s/he doesn’t exist! If you are an undecided: Huwag ka na umasa sa bagong umaga! Mej mataas ang standards mo, teh.
So please choose the president that best represents you this May 9. Do not be the undecided! In the end, if Binay wins, it’s safe to say that we’ll survive it no matter what since we’ve been to hell and back.
Mahal ko pa rin ang Pilipinas. Sama-sama tayong mag-hawak kamay sa padating na sablay. XOXO